Genuine Connection

I don’t think I know how to be a good friend. I always seem to be the initiator. Catch ups, messages, events. I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been invited to something when I’m not the driving force or organiser. I have few friendships not driven specifically by work or through connection to my wife. Several I mourn specifically because I feel, given I am the initiator only, that it’s a very one-sided affair. So there are many whose friendship I have let wither, it feels too forced if I’m constantly pushing in texts and calls looking for any sort of reciprocal want for my company.

We’re all busy, I know that everyone has so little time for themselves let alone much energy to reach out and try to catch up. But to literally never be on the receiving end…hurts.

As I’ve gotten older my capacity for masking has definitely diminished, the few people I still actively pursue friendship with, I feel comfortable to have moments of silence with. Knowing they won’t take my silence as awkwardness or disinterest. I do feel odd asking the same tired questions over, always phrasing it slightly different trying to get at something aside from “you know the usual, work, family, rinse repeat.” It doesn’t help that I don’t follow or currently play any sport, favouring to engage in hobbies that I guess are more individual. Regardless, I want to talk about something deeper, something that resonates with the soul, get to the core of the person. Know that if they truly needed my help or I theirs, there would be no hesitation, that we could rely on one another.

Maybe I need to get our more.